A Few Words of Wisdom
by ShadowSilk
Summary: Crackfic. It was a day chock full of revelations. Hidan learned that he should never, ever be allowed to speak in public. And Deidara discovered that the Akatsuki leader had a somewhat questionable opinion of his appearance. Oneshot.


**Author's Note**: Just a little crackfic. Enjoy!

**Pairings**: No pairings here.

**Warnings**: Language—Hidan's sailor's mouth.

**Disclaimer**: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

Hidan squinted, the spotlight's glare shining painfully in his eyes. The light was uncomfortably warm against his thick robe. He mopped his brow with the back of one hand as an endless sea of faces stared at him, expectant and hopeful, waiting for his next words of triumph. 

"Ah…" Hidan was sweating through the itchy graduation robe. Rivulets of perspiration coursed down the sides of his face. He grabbed the note card in his moist hands, bringing it close to his face.

"Uh…fellow classmates…today is a day of celebration, a passage into farther lands…we are about to embark on a wondrous journey…um…ah…Today might be the end of our educational voyage but it is also the beginning of something more…"

He was mumbling now. Hidan reached forward and brought the microphone closer to his face. It let out a shrill screech, causing many of the other students in the crowd to cover their ears. He hastily cleared his throat.

"Uh…we have been in this noble academy for many years and though it may be hard to part, we…hold on a sec…" Hidan shuffled through the sheaf of papers that littered the podium's surface, trying to locate the next note card.

"Shit!" he hissed. "Where the fuck is the next page?" He pawed through the unorganized stack, muttering to himself. "Heathen _bastards_…"

A collective gasp rose from the audience. Startled, Hidan glanced down, noticing the microphone only centimeters away from his mouth. He looked up, meeting the gaze of the hundreds of students staring at him with shocked expressions. He felt his face growing hot, collar growing uncomfortably tight around his neck. His throat was sandpaper, tongue thick. He really needed a bottle of water. Seriously.

_Damn it_, Hidan mentally cursed.

He _hated_ public speaking.

And right now, he _really_ hated the Akatsuki leader.

* * *

_Two Days Earlier_

Shafts of darkness sat comfortably upon the floorboards of the rooms, only slightly punctured by the naked light bulb swinging from the ceiling. Hidan rolled his eyes. Kakuzu had apparently convinced the leader to stay stingy and go for cheap lighting. He let a short laugh. The room reeked of dust and was littered with discarded items—a perfect evil lair set with the original bare bulb. So cliché and shit.

"You must infiltrate Daisuke Academy and retrieve for me a special item of great importance," Pein said, staring at Deidara and Hidan with those unnerving eyes of his. They were like ice. "You will be working together to steal the first volume of the Housenka Tomes, which is said to contain very important information pertaining to the bijuu."

Hidan grumbled. "I still don't see why I have to work with blondie."

Deidara glared at him, peering through golden locks hanging in front of his face.

"The other Akatsuki members are out on other missions," Pein said calmly. "Running a few errands for me. Both of you are perfect candidates for the job."

Hidan crossed his arms, angrily mumbling expletives under his breath. Deidara ground his teeth.

"I have had my spies relocate two of the academy students without the knowledge of the school body or any of the teachers. You will be assume their identities and infiltrate the school."

"Great," Hidan harrumphed, rolling his eyes. "I have to pretend to be some snot-nosed genin."

Deidara sighed. "You're such a drama queen, un."

"No, you will not be posing a genin." Pein steepled his fingers. "You will be going to a different type of school. A school for those students who choose not to be ninja."

"I've heard about those types of schools, un." Deidara shook his head. He lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Primitive places. No class, un."

The leader cleared his throat. He held out two plastic ID cards, which Hidan and Deidara gingerly plucked from his outstretched hand.

"Now, Deidara," Pein said rather awkwardly, "you're going to have to check with Konan to receive your…erm…garments." He coughed. "Anyway…good luck."

With that, he promptly left. The creaky old door swung shut behind him.

Hidan scanned his identity card dubiously.

"So I'm…Sato Kiyoshi. And I'm valedictorian." Hidan chuckled. "What a load of shit."

Deidara glanced at him, uninterested. "Valedictorian…? I don't see it, un."

"Whoa." Hidan ignored Deidara and held up the card, squinting. "I look like him." Hidan frowned. "But his hair's a fucking mess, seriously. Get some hair gel, buddy. You're all over the place."

Deidara held his ID card up to the light. His eyes instantly narrowed. He gripped the card tightly, his knuckles turning white.

Hidan craned his neck to see. "Who are you?"

His partner exploded. "_What is the leader trying to say, un_?! This is the second time!"

Hidan snatched the ID card from him. He burst out laughing. "Tanaka Momo? You're a fucking _girl_!" He doubled over, laughing hysterically. "This is _too rich_!"

"Shut up, un," Deidara hissed. The mouths on his palms bared their teeth menacingly.

The immortal man chuckled. "Hey, don't get your panties in a bunch."

"You take that_ back_!"

"Make me, little girl."

* * *

What the two Akatsuki members hadn't known was that their infiltration day was also the graduation day of the Daisuke students. 

Which was how Hidan found himself standing before the entire student body, giving a fucking _speech_

"U-um…" Hidan stammered. He stared at the darkened rows of seats, pulling at the collar of his robe. It was choking him. "I-I…"

All around the theater, there were whispers of _what's going on_ as students pointed and giggled. Teachers were standing half-crouched, unsure as to whether or not they should aprehend him. They all watched Hidan intently, waiting with bated breath.

Hidan gripped the sides of the podium tightly. He clenched his teeth, trying to breath deeply. Maybe he could still save it—

"_Oh, forget the goddamn speech_!" he exploded.

—Or maybe not.

Hidan grabbed the papers and threw them in the air. They drifted unsteadily all around him. "Here's a valedictorian's speech for you! _School's over, fuckers_!"

He drew a sheaf of explosive tags out of his pocket and slapped them on the podium. "DEIDARA!" he shouted. "Let's get out of here!"

Deidara, who had been sitting among the audience members, suddenly stood up and threw a small clay bird up into the air. The figurine suddenly expanded, flapping its white wings majestically over the rows of academy students. Deidara jumped onto its back, laughing hysterically. He triumphantly held up a dusty book in one hand. Volume I of the Housenka Tomes.

As his bird soared higher and higher above the crowd, he threw a flurry of clay animals at the ceiling. They cascaded upward, white clay winking softly in the darkness.

"Art…is a _bang_!" he shouted gleefully. "_Katsu_!"

The ceiling was blown to pieces; chunks of wood and plaster fell into the shrieking audience. The clay bird, with Deidara waving from its back, flew through the hole in the roof, disappearing into the darkening sky.

Hidan, grinning widely, ignited the exploding tags with a flaming splinter of wood.

"_This is for Jashin, you fucking heathens_!"

He leapt off the stage and exited out the back door as the podium exploded into a massive cloud of smoke and woodchips. Students were running about, screaming, all trying to escape through the theater doors at once.

As he followed his friends out of the burning theater, a boy protested, "But I thought Momo was a girl!"

"We all did, honey," a teacher said soothingly.

Outside, Hidan was running through the grass, waving his hands over his head, trying to get Deidara's attention. The blond-haired nin was perched upon the back of his clay bird, looking down at Hidan with a big smile on his face.

"_Deidara, you bastard!_" Hidan screamed, stumbling over his graduation robe. "Get your ass back here and give me a fucking ride!"

Deidara stuck out his tongue. "Make me, un!"

* * *

**A/N:** I actually started writing this months ago, but I forgot about it after a while…woops. It was originally a lot longer, detailing their entire infiltration mission, but then things got really confusing.Anyways, I hope that you liked it! 

Reviews would be extremely appreciated!


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